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My Journey To Self Love

My Journey To Self Love - Kassi

They say a good place to begin is the start. But sometimes pinpointing the start isn’t as easy as it might seem. I’m not sure when I really became conscious of my relationship with myself and how much different factors and experiences in my life would affect it as the years go by. But here I am, touching on 28 and let’s just say, it’s been quite the rideeeee.

I would describe myself as the type of person who thrives off energy, love and attention. I am always in need of gratification and reassurance from those around me. Honestly, I hate that about myself. I wish I had more self confidence. I am confident, but it’s the type of confidence that’s bolstered on other people encouragement and approval. It’s not truly ‘self’ confidence. Not really. I struggle to believe in myself, in my personal life, my character, my business. I often see people who are just so unapologetically themselves, those authentic types that are just so down with who they are and what they have to offer. I’m working on that. But most of my life up until now has been quite typical of most girls my age. Just trying to be what you think you ‘should’ be. What those around you would appreciate. Your parents, the guy you like, your friends. The version of you that ticks all those boxes, without really taking the time to figure out what YOU actually like, who YOU actually are.

More latterly, I’ve felt stronger than I ever have in my life, with this new strength came a kind of loss of direction weirdly enough. It’s like I broke out of the little safe box of deception that I’d comfortably lived in up until my late 20’s into a big world where I could be who I really want to be. The trouble is, when you’re so used to being the version of yourself that others want, it’s scary figuring out exactly who you are away from that little box of comfort and security.

It’s only at this point in my life that I feel like I’m actually starting to figure out who I am. It now makes sense to me why perhaps previous relationships haven’t worked out. How can someone get to know the real you if you don’t even really know who that is. I guess if I’m being honest, there were times that I was once again, presenting a version of myself that I thought my then partner would want. Not really considering the fact that in the long run that wouldn’t work for either of us and certainly wouldn’t lead to my happiness.

Speaking of happiness, I have always gone above and beyond to make other people happy. Often forfeiting my own wants and needs in order to offer out joy to others. Would I recommend this approach? To be honest, no. It’s cool to be kind, sure. But make yourself happy too. You are number 1, baaaaby. Share the love - share the joy, but don’t take from your cup to give to others, just don’t do it. More often than not it’s not reciprocated. You’ll see that.. 

I’ve learnt not to stay in a toxic relationship/ friendship which doesn’t serve you well. You know if you’re in one. You may not want to admit it, but deep down you know. I’ve done it, I thought if I staying would bring me happiness eventually, too scared to be alone, what people might think about the situation. The feeling of freeing yourself from something which isn’t serving you well, which is eating away at your soul, is like nothing else. Finding the strength to walk away from something which you’re pretty much addicted to is so so hard. You should love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship or friendship which takes more than it gives.

A big part of my journey so far has been figuring out how to make myself feel better on a down day. It’s allllll about feeding your soul. If I’m having a down day - I go and buy myself my fave pistachio ice cream, all the snacks, go for a long walk/run, tell my friends how much I love them. All the things that I know spark joy inside me. We all have shit days and that’s so fine. Minds are a really quiiiiite complicated, aren’t they? I battle with mine a lot. But I’m learning to understand why that is. I get her now,  I know how to make her happy again for sure. It’s taken some time though, ngl.

How would I describe my journey to self love? Evolving, stressful, liberating, fucking UNREAL at times and really quite complicated at other times. I don’t have have any power over it, but I wouldn’t change a thing if I did. I’m finally really proud of who I’m becoming.