The Covid-19 edition. nuddy's new blog series explores peoples WFH/CFH(chill from home) diaries. Here you'll read about the good, the bad and the ugly, as we...read more..
STRIPPED DOWN - PART 8
Stripped down - The Series
ABOUT CHOOSING YOURSELF/LOVE/SELFLOVE. All of what I know about it, all of what i’ve learnt so far.
When I was 16 I met my first love, we were inseparable.. and our relationship, although childish, was very special. At the age of 21 I decided that I wanted to go out and see the world, do my own thing, find out what I really wanted from life. So, that’s what I did. I left home, my family and my then boyfriend, grabbed a backpack and ran off to Asia (I made that sound SLIGHTLY more dramatic that it was). At that poignant moment in my life, I lost the girl I was, and I found someone completely different.
You hear SO many songs on the radio about what it feels like to have your heart broken, but no one tells you what it feels like to be the person who breaks someones heart. No one describes that pain to you, tells you the repercussions of that when it finally hits home. The unbearable guilt of knowing that you’ve hurt someone you really care about.
Years went by, and I couldn’t shift it. I couldn’t get rid of this awful guilt, this horrible feeling. I continued to try and make it right, but I couldn’t. I dated a few people, I guess I was just trying to find ‘the one’ but I couldn’t. I couldn’t shake this lingering feeling that I had about myself. I realised that the more I tried to push past it and sweep it under the rug, the worse it was getting. I would meet someone new, and it was like I had to PRE WARN them that I didn’t know if there would be a point in my life again, where i’d have to choose me over them.
We always cling on to the negative, don’t we? You look back and think, how could I do that to them? When we should be thinking ‘This is the best thing for YOU’. ‘CHOSE YOURSELF’. That’s why so many people we know, are in unhappy relationships, stuck in unhappy marriages, because they’re petrified about the judgement, the shame, the unknown.
As a women in business, I feel empowered. I feel like I can make a difference, like I have a voice through nuddy. I felt too nervous to tell anyone how I felt for the longest time, it all seemed silly, why should I have felt bad? No one would understand. I didn’t realise until I met my now partner, that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice any part of yourself to make someone else happy. That when it’s the right person, they really will just love you for you. You’ll be enough. Everything happens for a reason, every bad situation, every bad thought, they all make sense one day, they all bring you to a certain place. I know who mine brought me to, and i’m thankful for all the good, the bad, the doubt, the hurt.
Find someone that pushes you to chose yourself every single day, on the bad days where you can’t handle the struggle, when everything seems to be going wrong. On the good days, when you get the BEST news, they’re the people who remind you to be THANKFUL and to recognise your bloody great achievements. It could be your best friend, your mamma, your lover. But most of all, FIND YOURSELF. The most important relationship of all. Don’t spend years thinking badly of yourself like I did.
Life throws curveballs, it challenges you. But just be KIND and don’t be to hard on yourself. No one else knows what the fuck they’re doing either.
Shall check back in when I hit 30.
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